Comedian Steven Wright

• Four years ago... No, it was yesterday.
• Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
• My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "Heck no, why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep..."
• When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a straight line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
• I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
• I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
• One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
• I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
• If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
• If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
• What do batteries run on?
• After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
• It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
• The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge...
• Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
• I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night
• I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
• The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
• I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
• When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, "Five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."
• I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
• When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
• I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something."
• Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio every time I park?
• If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
• What's another word for Thesaurus?
• When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
• I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
• I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
• If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
• I took a baby shower.
• I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.
• I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't... My arm kept moving.
• I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.
• I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it.
• Sometimes I... No, I don't.
• I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
• I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
• When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
• My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
• I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
• I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
• Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.
• When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
• I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident.
• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call you back when I'm out."
• For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
• I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright, I was still inside.
• I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
• Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... It feels real."
• I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
• I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
• I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
• I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records.
• Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
• I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
• I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
• I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.
• I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
• My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.
• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
• I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself.
• I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.
• Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It pisses me off!
• When I was a kid, I remember seeing Smokey the Bear on TV saying, "Only you can prevent forest fires." I thought "Who? Me?" So I'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night with a bucket of water -- "Gotta go to work."
• I invented the cordless extension cord.
• How young can you die of old age?
• I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
• My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
• I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Granted, it takes longer.
• I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
• Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
• In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
• I can levitate birds. No one cares.
• I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
• Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories.
• I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
• Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
• I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify ________". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my MOTHER going to do?
• It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
• It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
• There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
• Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
• I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
• My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.
• When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.
• I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
• Today I... No, that wasn't me.
• I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
• I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
• The last week in August, we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper.

My imitations

• The other day I was taking a shower, but I put it back.