30 day food journal

I have made so many great changes in my habits of eating and exercise over the past year or two. But there is one area that has been a consistent struggle for years. And that is late night eating.

The last couple of hours before bed is a high temptation time... often eating when I have no hunger. It's almost like I can't go to bed/sleep unless I have had the equivalent of a full meal not long beforehand. This has been a pattern/habit for years and years and years. Since I was young.

If I don't get victory in this area I will never be successful in "losing it for life." I've tried a lot of things. Yes, including prayer. So, I thought I would bring it public.

For the next 30 days (until the end of October) I will document here each day anything I eat after 9pm. I will also describe the experience. If you would read this regularly and comment about it, it would help me feel supported and encouraged along the way... to grow and learn and grieve and "put away."

I will edit this post each day, I won't create a new one. So you'll have to come to this particular post each time you want to check up on me. To find this post easily, go here and then save it as a favorite. OK?

Thanks!

Doug

1-Night of October 2

At 9:20pm i wrote, "I'm angry about having to do this. I hate it!" I had eaten cheddar triscuits with salsa, and my mouth was saying, "Give me sweet, cool, thirst quenching, chocolate!" Sounded like ice cream to me. I didn't have any in the house, but considered going out to buy some. Even the decadant Starbucks ice cream, mocha almond fudge. I knew it would taste really good... but it doesn't come in small containers so i would probably eat waaaay too much. And it has caffeine so it would keep me up. And the rich dairy would give me cramps. I knew I would regret it. But i realllly wanted it.

By the time i finished work at about 10:45 pm and finished up some stuff on the computer I was pretty tired. Too tired to think about actually getting in the car and going somewhere to get ice cream. But i had the strong attitude that, "Now it's me time!" So, what was I going to eat while sitting in front of the TV? I asked myself if I was hungry. I really wasn't. But I got a bowl of whole grain cereal with soy milk and half a cut up apple. Tasted good, sweet, wet. Definitely appetite quenching. Watched TV until midnight and stumbled into bed. (Interesting documentary on PBS about "koinonia," a group in southern georgia that practiced racial integration way before the civil rights movement, and all the resistance they encountered.) I had toyed with the idea of having something else to eat before stumbling into bed, but didn't want to have to write about it...

2-Night of October 3rd

I was leading groups on the phone from 9pm - 11pm last night. I ate an apple around 9:30. After the last group was over I stayed on the computer for awhile (working on this blog of course!). I remember thinking, my eyes are so tired, but my mind is so awake!! And then I started wondering whether I was hungry. At one point I had a sudden "starving" feeling, like faint. Close to midnight i got off the computer and went to the living room. Typical time to watch tv and eat. Was I hungry? Not really. I was mad. I just wanted to eat cuz it would feel good. My mouth was again feeling quite dry and salty and i really wanted something sweet. But i had nothing really. I was mad that I would have to write here whatever choice I made. I wanted to be free! I finally had a bowl of frozen veggies with soy sauce and watched TV. Later, I was still struggling with wanting something more to eat, but also kind of ready to go to bed. Kept teetering between bed and food.... Finally got the courage to get up and tumble into bed. I was awake for some time though.... probably until after 1.

3-Night of October 4th

At 9pm I was out on a bike ride. I had bought a king sized hersheys with almonds and a diet pepsi. I was hoping to have eaten them before 9 so i wouldn't have to report here, but got delayed by a friend in the parking lot. So, I found a deserted building, sat down on the sidewalk and had the candy bar and soda while connecting with my lose it for life group using my cell phone. (The group for me and other new life employees, not one i lead.)

After the call I rode the bike home. On the way I saw a Firehouse Subs and thought, if i chose to i could easily eat a large sub. And that would taste soo good and "hit the spot." When I go home I worked on the computer from about 10:30 to 12:30. Thought about food a few times. Debated what to have. About 12:30 I rummaged in the kitchen and finally decided that if i was going to have something maybe it could be veggies. So i got frozen green beans and frozen corn and microwaved them and ate them with hot sauce while watching Jimmy Kimmel Live. I thought, "Hey, maybe i should limit myself to fruit and vegetables after 9." After i finished the corn and beans though i was thinking that that would be too hard, cuz i was already craving something else.

Anger. What is the anger about? I'm angry that i have to go to this length to try to get free of this monster. I want to eat as much as i want at night without any accountability and without any consequences. damnit! I'm losing something that i cherish. That has meant so much to me for so many years. i don't want to let it go... It's hard. It hurts. It's lonely.

4-night of october 5th

at 9pm i had a bowl of fat free plain yogurt with some berries and cut up half of apple. then i had the "series of misfortunate events." (see that post) i did my group from 10pm until a little after 11pm. finished up a few things in the office. went out to the living room, turned the tv on, sat on the couch and thought about what to eat. finally went to the kitchen and got a bowl of 3-color rotini with fat free caesar dressing. turned the tv off a little after 12 (early!) and went to bed. an ok night.

5-night of october 6th

i worked at the church cleaning the lobby from 7:30pm to 9pm. i quit a little early because i was so hungry... really weak. i got in the car and there was an apple there so i ate it. debated where to go to eat. felt like i needed something really substantial. finally settled on dense, unhealthy, and cheap mcdonalds value menu. a double cheeseburger and a mcchicken. tasted real good going down, although i knew that that sort of food, particularly the red meat, would probably give me digestion problems later on. then i went grocery shopping, since my cupboards were bare. i fully intended to cap off the night with some chocolate frozen yogurt (that i had just bought), but i went to bed at midnight without having eaten anything else. keeping accountable here helped. and maybe the protein and volume of food i had at 9 helped. i don't know for sure. stomach felt a little heavy last night, and like a rock this morning. yuck.

6-night of october 7th

at 9pm i was in the middle of cleaning at the church with my daughter olivia. it was time for the "open cafe" segment of celebrate recovery and they were serving cookies, ice cream, and whipped cream. i was pretty excited! i got a bowl, put a cookie on the bottom and put a couple small scoops of ice cream on top. livvy and i sat down to eat. "mmmm... this is good" i said. i'd like some more but i'd be embarassed to go up again." "I wouldn't be," she responded. so she went up and got us seconds. i felt particularly bad after all the study i had done about the glycemic index during the day to be eating high index foods. on the other hand, i ate nothing else the rest of the night, and wasn't too freaked about it. to bed by midnight. normally, those last couple hours before midnight (when i got home a little after 10) would be murder. so, i think there is some slow change coming. im starting to lose my attachment and obsession with having to have something before bed. that is cool.

7-night of october 8th

about 9:30 i had some watermelon, and then ate grapes while working on the computer. i was thinking, "having fruit at night is kinda nice. sweet and wet." later on i sat on the couch and watched tv. i think the craving was salt. went and got the triscuits and fat free cottage cheese and ate the rest of the box and the rest of the carton. fortunately there was not a lot left of either one. but it felt like bingeing. i think it would be good to not bring "whole containers" of stuff to the couch. Take the time to get out what i want first, and then bring it to the living room.
8-night of october 9th

at 10 i stopped during my walk at a convenience store and got a king-sized Mr. Goodbar. a 11:30 i sat on the couch and had a box of triscuits and a carton on fat-free cottage cheese. ate them until the triscuits were gone. i had thought about just getting a serving to take to the living room, but when i got the box of triscuits i thought that would be too much of a hassle... plus, i didn't want to be limited... close to midnight my mouth was feeling salty and i wanted something sweet and had a slice of whole wheat bread and sugar-free jam.

i'm so angry that this is such a problem for me... i should just get better! i don't want to give up this source of relaxation and comfort... i can't stand the anxiety and restlessness and insomnia. and the mouth/taste cravings. it's so hard...

9-night of october 10th

i led groups from 9-11pm last night. i ate an apple during the groups. at 11 i decided to have a bowl of whole wheat pasta with spaghetti sauce. That was probably enough, but my mouth was salty and i wanted to something sweet. I had a small bowl of chocolate frozen yogurt. I tried to make it "healthy" by adding lots of rolled oats on top! And then that was so good i had another bowl! geez...

10-night of october 11th

at 9pm i attended my own lose it for life group and discussed my experience. i told the group that even though it was still a big struggle for me at night that it was good for me to do this blog because it forces me to face this issue for more than a few days. in a few days i can fool myself that i've got it licked or fixed or whatever. i also discussed the fact that people on here seem to want to help me but don't seem to know how. i said i would write it out here, what i need. so here goes... i need encouragement more than i need ideas or tips. i need symathy and empathy more than critique. i need people to share the burden with me. here are the kinds of things you could say that would help strenthen me.

• you're doing good! keep going...
• yay!
• that's ok. we still love you and we're with you.
• it sounds really hard. im sorry.
• don't give up. it will get better. don't worry.
• i admire how hard you are trying and perservering, even when it's not going well.
• it's awesome how real you are here. it really helps me to face myself more honestly.
• i'm proud of you.
• i hear your pain. i feel your struggle. i'm with you in this.
• i hear your loneliness and your fear and i care.
• i cry when i see how hard this is for you and what a demon it's been in your life. it's so sad...
• you're doing the best you can given your life history. be patient. it will come together. don't stop.

I think you get the point, right? those things i think are what actually helps me feel stronger inside to be able to have the power to choose what i eat vs feeling "out of control."

The other thing i said i would do in group was to call someone in the group by 9pm and tell them what my plan for food would be for the rest of the night. Come up with a plan, share it with someone, and let them know the next day how it went. I said i would do that 3 times before the next group.

Oh and I did about the best last night I have done in a long time. All I had was a half a block of tofu with hot sauce, around 10 i think.

Thanks everyone who is reading this. i need you, and welcome all your comments and help. I prefer that you put your comments here vs emailing me, because i would like everyone reading to see this whole "conversation." Peace...

11-night of october 12th

at 9pm i had just finished 2 hours in group and had an hour break. i had two pieces of whole wheat bread topped with salsa and fat-free cottage cheese. then i didn't have anything else the rest of the night, even though i went to bed at midnight! yay

12-night of october 13th

i had celery sticks and used fat free cottage cheese for dip. i've decided to switch to celery sticks instead of triscuits. i think that's a much better choice.

i think i had something else, but i honestly can't remember what.

13-night of october 14th

at 9pm i was cleaning the church with becca. we went to the cafe of celebrate recovery. i just went to the coffee area and got a decaf. becca got a cookie and a few chips and pretzels. we sat down to eat. she asked me was i not going to have anything. i told her i would like a bite of her cookie. she said i could have the rest, so i had about half of a chocolate chunk cookie.

when we got home i popped some popcorn in an air popper i picked up in the morning at a garage sale. i haven't had the air popped kind for a long time. i was surprised how much it made with a few kernels. (isn't that the way it always is with popcorn??) It made two big bowls and i ate one of the bowls with no salt/butter, etc. It was ok. we were watching a dvd. it was very "light," didn't make my stomach feel heavy at all. went to bed at midnight having had nothing else. it seems as though im losing my obsession to go to bed on a "full" stomach... ;)

14-night of october 15th

at 9pm i had raw cabbage with fat free dressing and celery with fat free cottage cheese. At 10 i had 2 pieces of multi-grain bread with fat free margarine. Went to bed at 11. A good night.

15-night of october 16th

half way through.... ok so at 10pm i had a bowl of cereal with light soy milk. at 11pm i had nuts. i had the can with me and ate quite a few... maybe a cup? im not sure. to bed at 12. an ok night.

16-night of october 17th

i finished my last group at 10pm and ate some celery with fat-free cottage cheese. about 11 i had some nuts. probably too many. about a cup. went to bed at midnight.

17-night of october 18th

i was in my personal lose it for life group until 10pm and then had some celery and fat-free cottage cheese. That's it. wooo hooo. Oh, my "next right step" from last week was to call someone by 9pm to tell them what my eating plan was for the rest of the night, and to do that 3 times. I didn't do it at all. partly because i didn't remember. partly because i didn't feel the need. posting on here has really helped. My "next right step" for this week is to send out an email to my local friends asking if they know anyone i could borrow a canoe from, and to bring in the weight set i bought at the garage sale from the car. (I emailed about the canoe today.)

18-night of october 19th

at 9pm i had 2 pieces of ezekiel bread with margarine. at 11pm i had and orange and a pear. at 12 i had a bowl of cereal with soy milk. a little bit more than i needed.

19-night of october 20th

at 10pm i had an orange. at midnight i had 1 piece of ezekiel bread with butter. yay!

20-night of october 21st

i worked at the church from 5:30 to 10:30. it was a long night and i ate a number of things. i honestly don't remember what. the list would have looked long, but the quantity was not bad. too much sugar though, like regular soda while i was working. i hate it that they only have soda at church that has either caffeine or sugar or both. I'll have to bring my own!

21-night of october 22nd

i picked up a pint of cookie dough ice cream on the way home from dropping my kids off at their mom's. i started eating it at 8:30pm and at 9pm i was about half way through. finished it by 9:30. didn't have anything else the rest of the night. to bed at 11.

22-night of october 23rd

i led a group until 9:30pm. had some celery dipped in fat-free cottage cheese. about 10:30 i had 2 pieces of ezekiel bread with margarine. to bed at 11pm. i'm getting lazy.

23-night of october 24th

i led groups from 9 to 11pm. during the groups i had a few celery sticks with fat-free cottage cheese and a 1 oz bag of doritos. nothing else the rest of the night. to bed at midnight. cool...

24-night of october 25th

after 9pm i ate nothing! to bed at 11pm. seems to be a lot easier when i don't have groups at night. (we didn't have our lose it for life group for employees tonight.)

25-night of october 26th

i had a break between 9 and 10. i ate several celery sticks with fat-free cottage cheese and a piece of ezekiel bread with tuna on top. at 1am i had two pieces of ezekiel bread, one with fat-free margarine and the other with sugar-free jam. to bed at 1:30.

26-night of october 27th

i worked at the church from 8 to 9. i honestly don't remember what i had when i got home. im gonna need to start writing down instead of relying on my memory!!

27-night of october 28th

worked at the church from 7 to 10:30. i had a macadamia nut cookie at celebrate recovery at 9. when i got home i had celery with refried beans and then celery with fat-free cottage cheese. a few nuts.

28-night of october 29th

at 11:30pm i had celery with refried beans and a piece of pizza.

29-night of october 30th

at 11 i had almost a cup of nuts. at 11:30 i had 2 pieces of pizza.

30-night of october 31st

i had groups until 11. after that i had a bowl of whole grain cereal with soy milk and a few nuts.

THANK YOU to all who have participated in this project! Thanks for caring, encouraging, watching. I definitely feel the strength of this stronghold had diminished greatly. I'm not all the way there yet, but a huge step forward...

And thanks to Kathie P who gave me a digital camera as a reward!! :)