a series of misfortunate events

Sorry. I hope you're not eating breakfast.

9:30 last night my son was going to drive to my place when he got off work at winn-dixie and then i was going to take him to his mom's house. (He had my car.) I decided to ride the bike half way to winn-dixie and meet him in the middle. (I had his bike.) I had a group to lead on the phone at 10pm, so i left on my bike at 9:20. Plenty of time.

As i turned out of the driveway onto the sidewalk and started riding i pulled out my cell phone and chuckled to myself, "i wonder if there's a law against talking on your cell phone while driving... a bike!" I called justin to let him know i would be meeting him half way and to meet at the church on the corner. Got his voice mail and left a message. went to turn the phone off, steering with my right hand and navigating the buttons on the cell phone with my left. i started to put the phone back in my pocket when looming in front of me in the dark was a street sign. if i didn't make a course correction the left handlebar of my bike was going to hit the pole in about 1 second. so using the proficient bicycling skills i learned as a child (won two "bike rodeos!") i swerved just in time. however, that meant i was swerving toward the road. so i quickly used my remaining one-handed skills to swerve back left.

at this point maneuvuring a swerving bike in the dark with one hand proved to me more than i could handle. time went slow motion as i began to totter. i used my best balance and braking skills, but nonetheless the bush to my left approached rapidly. i ended up on the ground. unceremoniously i might add. my bike and me had both gone through angles we were never designed to do. im laying there on my back with a cell phone in my hand. did anybody see me?? a car that had just passed put on its brakes and slowed down. i got up quickly and brushed off. i didn't want anyone to stop.

as i am struggling back on the bike i notice something across the road in the dim streetlight. was it a person? it looked like a person sitting on the sidewalk with their head in their hands. it was right in front of my daughter's old elementary school. there was nobody else around.

"are you alright?" i yelled. "no" a voice responded.

i started to quickly walk my bike across the street, even though there was a car approaching (valiant of me). the car approaching me put on swirling red and blue lights... great... good time for a jay-walking ticket.

undaunted, i continued speed-walking toward the enigma on the sidewalk. it was a girl who was probably in her early 20's, although her face betrayed that she had had much more life experience than that. "What's the matter?" i asked tentatively. "i can't get to my family..." she sobbed. her eyes were red and brimming with tears and she reeked of alcohol.

by that time the swirling light car had stopped and the man in blue walked up to us. he quizzed her about where she lived, where her family lived, etc. she stumbled with the answers. They live in saint augustine and she lives somewhere between here and there? "you might as well just arrest me and take me to jail" she blurted. "you'll probably do it anyway for some made-up reason." "why's that? you don't have any warrants do you?" "no." "you haven't been drinking have you?" "yes! i've been drinking." the officer seemed to have the situation under control and i walked my bike down the sidewalk a bit and hopped on. sad.

as i headed toward the designated meeting spot with my son my cell phone rang. did i answer it? of course. what am i? stupid? it was my son. "dad, where are you?" "i'm riding to the church. where are you?" "im at winn-dixie." "did you get my message?" i inquired. "yes. im just getting off." "ok i'll see u at the church." i arrived at the meeting spot and hopped off the bike and stood and waited.

and waited. and waited. and waited.

looking at the clock on my cell phone it said 9:43. i have to be back to lead the group at 10. i called jay. "where are you?" "I'm just leaving." "Jay, i have to be on the phone at 10! I thought you were leaving when you called me before." "i said i was getting off. i didn't say i was coming." click.

i was not happy. this was going to put me in a tight spot and i hate rushing, especially when it involves a car (or bike, lol).

i watched all the headlights coming toward me. that's him! no... oh, that's him! nope... the swirling light car sped by me with a passenger in the dark back seat.

i called my son again. "i'm almost there dad." i waited. and waited. my phone said 9:47. to think he would arrive, i would put the bike in the trunk, we would go to his mom's house, take the bike out, and drive to my place and get set up for the phone call by 10:00 seemed ludicrous. maybe i should call new-life and tell them to let people know i'll be late. i have been leading groups since january and i've never really been late or missed a group. i hate to be late. and this was a brand new group so all the participants would be on the line waiting and not knowing what was going on. i felt for them.

he finally arrived and i opened the trunk to put the bike in. my vacuum cleaner is in there! taking up almost the whole space! how did my vacuum cleaner get in there?? i'll have to take it out and put it in the back seat so i can put the bike in. so i take it out. i look for a bungee cord and remember i had let my neighbor borrow some. are there any left?? i rummage around and find one. i slap it on, not as good as usual. i wanted to drive, but it would take time to switch drivers. so i walked past the drivers side door around the front and over to the passenger side. my son unlocks the power locks and i get in. "dad i made it from mom's house to yours and back once in 9 minutes, so u've got time." i said nothing. pulling out of the parking lot onto the road we hit a bump and the $700 bike almost fell out of the trunk. it was having as good a day as i.

justin seemed to drive especially slow but i couldn't quite fathom telling my son to drive faster!

we got to his mom's house. the clock in the car said 9:59. "dad, this clock is like 6 minutes fast so you've got 7 minutes!" i said nothing.

i took the bike out of the trunk and the trunk looked especially empty and spacious. oh, because the vacuum cleaner is gone. the vacuum cleaner. the vacuum cleaner!! hoping for the best i looked in the back seat. nope. not there. i had left it by the car in the parking lot when i took it out of the trunk... just what i need. another time obstacle. should i leave it there so i'll be on time for the group? i think i can just make it. no. lose a $50 vaccuum cleaner to save 1 or 2 minutes of being late? i can give up some perfectionism can't i?

i headed back toward the church. i called new-life and told cora to tell the folks that called that i would be a little late. she said one person was already in. great. they're early and im late... argh

my mind spinning, i drove right past the back driveway that would have been a nice short-cut to get to the vacuum cleaner. now i would have to do a couple of extra left-hand turns, one with a traffic light. the light was green so i floored it, although i hate wasting gas. it turned red before i got there. waiting waiting waiting. green. i finally turned into the church and in the dark did not immediately see the vacuum cleaner. great. late and $5o bucks poorer. then my headlights lit upon the dirt devil, standing there, patiently waiting my arrival. than you god.

both church exits were one-way deals that dump you out on the street in a particular direction. both exits would dump me in the direction away from my house. how stupid is that?? you can come here but you can't go home? i went to the exit that was geographically closest to my home and, looking both ways, turned left on a "right turn only." thankfully no swirling light cars caught me. i drove the mile home at the posted speed limit, 45 mph. for some reason it seemed dangerously fast, but i was determined!

I pulled in the parking spot and the car clock said 10:06. great. should i take the vacuum cleaner in? no. i don't have time for that. i opened the door, kicked off my shoes, ran to my bedroom, slapped the headset on, and hit the speed dial. computer clock said 10:02. phew. not so bad! I had saved the day! :)

the person was there, and i introduced myself and then said, "sorry im out of breath. while we're waiting for the others why don't i tell you why." i launched into the recounting of this series of misfortunate events. after a couple minutes she interrupts. "are you telling me this just because we're waiting for others?" apologetically i respond "well, i thought that it might be interesting for me to tell it while we're waiting for the others."

"why don't we just wait" she said.

"ok" i said.

and thus, an uncomfortably long period of dead silence wrapped up my series of misfortunate events.

the end

PS Today my back hurts, my neck is really stiff, and my stomach hurts where the handlebars poked in. the picture is the damage to my leg apparently from the chain. i tried to get a picture of the 2-inch long red streak across my stomach, but apparently your good fortune won out, since i tried several times and couldn't get it to work.