relationships with difficult people

In a group I was leading I described the typical stages that we go through in a relationship with a difficult person. We were speaking about it in the context of a family relationship, but it applies to any difficult relationship. The group asked me to put what I said in writing. Be careful what you ask for! lol

What I am describing here are the typical stages that I have seen in myself and others when we have a relationship with a person who is difficult or abusive, and persistently un-repentant. If the person shows true signs of repentance along the way, then the following path will be modified accordingly.

FOUNDATION

At the beginning of the relationship we find ourselves connected with this person for some external reason… We live together, work together, play together, go to church together, etc. We expect them to treat us kindly, and in a manner appropriate to the external role they play (parent, neighbor, co-worker, etc.).

INJURY

We get hurt. They either don’t treat us kindly, or they don’t live up to the expectations we have for the role they play in our life. It hurts. It bothers us. We may get angry, or sad, or disappointed, or fearful, or insecure, or guilty.

CONFRONTATION

In some way we attempt to let them know that we have been hurt. They may respond any number of ways. Denial, rationalization, blame, anger, minimizing, promises, etc. We may not be completely satisfied with the response, but because of the nature of our connection with them, our good-will, and our belief in people, we move forward and let bygones be bygones.

REPETITION

The injury and confrontation cycle happens again and again and again and again. The intensity of its effect on us increases. At times we feel like we can’t take it anymore. We may blow up, get depressed, develop elaborate denial systems, “just trust God,” read books, try to be nicer, etc. We keep “hoping and wishing and praying.“ But nothing changes.

THE FINAL STRAW

At some point we have enough and break off the relationship, as painful as that may be. All we know is that the pain of staying in the relationship is greater than the pain of leaving it.

TIME-OUT

Allowing ourselves to have some space in the relationship gives us a chance to heal, to evaluate, to see things for what they really are, to get help and support. We feel the pain from all the injuries. We grieve the loss of the relationship. We grieve the loss of the dream we had for what the relationship might finally become. We accept the reality that they will probably never change. We allow our anger to come out in safe ways and places. We develop close friendships with a number of safe people. We look at what our part was in the relational difficulties. We forgive the abuser (not excuse them). We cry. We surrender the whole thing to God.

RECOVERY

The wound has healed, although there is still a scar. We are now able to fully focus on the present, although we have learned good lessons from our past experience. We find renewed strength and self-esteem. Joy comes back. Life seems a little bit more manageable and worth living. We can think about the offender without a lot of emotional baggage attached to it anymore. We learn how to keep the abuser at arm’s length. We learn how to speak truth to them.

CHRIST-LIKENESS

We begin to see the other person as Jesus does. Loving the sinner, but not the sin. Although we don’t bring the person back into our “inner circle,” and although we don’t encourage or enable their abuse or sin, we find ourselves having the power to choose to do good to them, fully aware that we may never see any reward or benefit of that in this life. We pray for them. We seek to meet their legitimate needs. We rise above what the person “deserves.” We are no longer on their level. We are able to forgive them even in the midst of occasional further injuries. (“Father, forgive them. For they know not what they do.”) It is important to realize that some people say that their "loving" behavior is because of their Christ-likeness. But they have short-circuited all the above steps and it's just cheap wimpyness.

WAIT JUST A COTTON-PICKIN' MINUTE!

You may ask, “Is this not the same thing as where we started??” No. Choosing to do good to someone out of strength and free will versus being compulsively “nice” and “submissive” and “obedient” to someone out of your need or desire to avoid harm, manipulate, or to be liked are two very different stances in a relationship. Also, although you are doing good to them or for them, it doesn't mean you are exposing your heart to them, and drawing them into your inner circle of confidants.

Amen